Harder To Breathe
by invisible x tears
Summary: Serena left home to escape her awful past, but what happens when it comes back to haunt her? AU
1. Understood?

**So this is my first shot at a story. I'm going to do my best to update a lot, but private school is KIND of busy. (: Please review. It would absolutely make my day.**

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"Serena?" She jerked her head up, finding herself face to face with her therapist. "Did you even hear the question?" He asked, concern in his eyes.

"Sorry sir. I spaced out. What did you say?" The truth was, she barely listened to any of what he said. She didn't need a therapist.

"I said, Mrs. van der Woodsin, do you realize what has happened _because _of _your _actions?" He always used lots of unnecessary enunciations when he talked. Like that was going to get the message across or something.

"Of course I do sir. It's not really rocket science." He sighed, and rubbed his forehead with his hand. "Sir?"

"Mrs. van der Woodsin, I am trying to help you." He said, giving her a look. Serena sighed, and stood up.

"With all due respect sir, I really don't need any help." She said, as she grabbed her back and walked towards the door.

"Mrs. van der Woodsin!" He called after her. "If you walk out that door, there will be huge consequences!" Serena almost laughed.

"Thanks for the warning!" She responded, without even turning around.

_*Flashback*_

_"Little Serena van der Woodsin." Chad whispered in her ear. "All alone. Weak. Helpless. Tony isn't here to save you now." She felt a sharp blow to the back of her head. It was all she could do not to cry out._

_"Leave me alone Chad. Why are you doing this?" She questioned. She didn't really care, she just needed him to waste time while she developed a plan._

_"Why am I doing this? Simple, Serena. You're the sexiest, most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on. Tony is a spoiled brat. So why not?" He chuckled. As he walked behind her, a shiver went down her spine. Suddenly, she felt his warm hands settle on her breasts. They slid their way down her stomach._

_"Chad, please stop." Was all she could manage to get out before he lifted up her shirt. "Chad stop it!" She cried out. _

_"Come on Serena. We're just gunna play a little game. Tony won't know." He grinned mischievously as he pulled her closer, reaching his hands behind her back to unhook her bra. A tear slid down Serena's cheek at the same time her bra slid down to the floor._

_"Dear God. Now I know why Tony has been keeping you close." He mumbled while he cupped her bare breasts. She winced, and tried to move away from his touch, but he pushed her down. More tears._

_"Please! Just stop!" She yelled. He laughed._

_"Serena, I couldn't stop now, even if I wanted too." He kneeled down to be eye level with her. "You are just too cute." He said, leaning in to bite on her nipples. She squeezed her eyes shut as he did it. He paused. "See, you're enjoying this too." He smiled wickedly. "Now, unzip your pants."_

_"Chad ..."_

_"I said unzip your pants!" He screamed, the sound of his voice echoed in the room. She looked at the ceiling, and with trembaling fingers, unzipped her jeans. He nodded, and proceeded to do the same. Soon enough, they were both wearing only underwear. _

_"Now Serena. You're going to do what I say, understood? If you don't, this will only last longer. Got it?" She nodded weakly, feeling helpless. "Good. Now, pull down your underwear." He demanded, and pulled down his. She felt a blush come to her cheeks. He really was quite ... well, you know. She slowly pulled down her panties. "Perfect." He said. "Now lay down on that bed, and beg for me."_

_"Chad why are you making me-" She started to say, before he ran forward and grabbed one of her breasts, making her gasp in pain. _

_"What did I say?" He growled. There was no movement in the room for a moment, then Chad let go. "Now go lay down on that bed, and beg for me." She did not argue this time. She walked over to the bed as if in a trance. She gulped before speaking._

_"Please Chad. I want you. I need you. Oh Chad I'm so lonely." She said quietly. "Please come over here and make love to me." She finished. He smiled._

_"Wonderful."_

_*End*_

"Serena." Her mom said, as soon as she walked in the door. She was holding the phone in one hand. "Guess who I just had a pleasant chat with?" Serena sighed.

"Who?" She asked, even though she already knew. She just did it to humor her mother.

"Mr. Myers. Serena you can NOT keep on doing this! Mr. Myers was a very well talked about therapist! He could have helped you!"

"Oh my God mom! Helped me with what? I don't need help! I'm perfectly fine." Her and her mother often had fights, going back and forth like this. Often about her therapist, or "getting help". Serena knew herself. She knew she didn't need help. Well, no help a therapist could give.

"Oh for God's sake Serena. Open your eyes. This isn't even the first time this has happened." Her mom tried reasoning with her.

"Mom!" Serena's voice cracked. But there was no stopping her mother.

"Don't interrupt me! Now you listen to me young lady. One more quit therapist and you're going to boarding school. In New York." Her mom was suddenly looking right into her eyes.

"What? New ... New York?" Serena repeated to make sure she heard her correctly. "Mom, you can't be serious."

"Oh I am so serious. Get your act together, understood?" Her mom asked, her tone icy. Serena froze.

_"You're going to do what I say, understood?"_

Suddenly, Serena felt dizzy.

_Understood?_

And everything went black.

*

"Oh sweet baby jesus. You're okay!" Her mother screeched as soon as she woke up.

"Mom, please."

"Oh sweety!" Her mom said, smothering her in a hug. "You scared the living daylights out of me!"

"Sorry." She tried to say, but her mouth was covered by her moms jacket.

"New York isn't happening right away. You still have one more chance. Just do good, alright honey?" Serena pulled away to meet her mothers eyes.

"Yeah. Alright."

*

"Mrs. van der Woodsin, let's start at the beginning." She nodded patiently as therapist of the week tried to hear her life story.

"Well, when I was about fifteen, my dad walked out on us. He said-"

"Mrs. van der Woodsin? That is not the beginning." He interrupted. Sighing, she started over.

"Well, when I was a little organism in my mother womb-"

"Mrs. van der Woodsin." He said, looking over his glasses. It bugged her when people do that. Why have glasses if you're always going to be looking over them?

"I'm sorry sir, but nothing too exciting happened before my father left. Can't I just start there?" He rolled his eyes, like her starting there would be some huge inconvenience for him. Yeah right.

"If you must." She hated him already.

"Fine. My dad left when I was fifteen. After that, I was a little ... restless. I guess you could say the lack of the male figure of my father led me to want more male figures in my life. If you see where I'm going with this." She could see a blush raise to the therapist's cheeks. Ha. "So anyways, I had fun for a bit, then I met Tony. When I met him, I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. No questions." She paused for a moment, thinking of the last look on his face. A lump rose into her throat, but she pushed it down. "But an old ... fling of mine moved to the school where we went. He wanted me back, bad. But Tony loved me. He wasn't about to let Chad take me away from him. But unfortunately for all three of us, Chad wasn't about to stop that easily. He'd call me every night, leaving messages on my machine. He'd send me repetitive IM's with provocative messages on them. He just wouldn't stop. Then, one night, he caught me as I was walking home from school. He grabbed me by the hair, covered my mouth, and forced me into his car. Somehow, we ended up in his room, and he raped me." She paused, trying to collect her thoughts and emotions.

"Now Serena, why do you think he _really_ raped you?" He suddenly said. She glanced up.

"Excuse me?

"Well, he must have had an ulterior motive." He said, as if it were completely obvious. She stared at him for a few moments. He didn't even flinch.

"Are you serious right now? You ask me for my story and I'm telling you and you ask for his _ulterior motives?_" She was mad. No, she was furious.

"Serena, calm down. I'm just trying to help you." He said. Something inside her snapped.

"I. Don't. Need. _Help!_" She clearly pronounced each word.

"Serena, you have a problem!" He sighed, as if he was used to saying this every day. In a way, he was worse than Mr. Myers. She stood up.

"Thank you, but I will no longer be needed your services." She swiftly got up, grabbed her bag, and headed for the door. She paused for a moment in the hall, waiting to hear her name be called. But all she could hear was silence.


	2. Welcome To The City

**La la laa secondd chapter. (: Does that make you happy like it makes me happy?**

_

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Dear Serena,_

_I'm very sorry I had to do this. But I told you I would. I gave you a second chance! Write or call if you need anything. _

_-Mom_

Serena sighed, stuffing the letter in her bag. That was so like her mom, to type up a three or four sentenced note and slip it in her bag.

"So where are you headed too?" The girl next to her asked. She had large brown eyes, straight blonde hair, and she seemed to be about sixteen, the same age as Serena.

"New York. You?" She watched as the blonde smiled.

"Me too! I'm Jenny, by the way. Jenny Humphrey. Are you from New York? Or just visiting?"

"I'm Serena van der Woodsin. Nice to meet you." She thought about it. "Well, I guess I'm moving in. My mom's sending me to boarding school because I refuse to go to a therapist." She bit her lip, and watched for Jenny's reaction. Serena had a tendency to tell people things that they really didn't need to know. Jenny nodded.

"Cool. I go to boarding school in New York too ... are you possibly talking about Loomis?" Serena nodded. "No way! I go there! Thats so cool!" Her features lit up as she spook. Serena smiled.

"Awesome! Maybe we'll be room mates." Jenny shrugged.

"How old are you?"

"Sixteen. You?" Jenny's lips turned into a pout.

"Fifteen. We're in different years. But it's okay, Loomis is just FULL of some nice girls." Serena smiled.

"Filled with some nice girls? Care to explain?" She watched as Jenny bit her lip. Some people were just so easy to read.

"Well, it's nothing really. I mean, not EVERYONE can be nice, right?" She looked up at Serena, as if she was begging her to just agree.

"Right. Of course that makes sense." Serena could sense that Jenny wanted her to drop the subject, so she did.

"So what is there do to at Loomis?" She asked, knowing this would provoke a long conversation. She was right.

*

"For most of you, this experience will be nothing new. Although, we do have two new students joining us this year. Everyone please welcome Serena van der Woodsin, Tinsely Charmichael, and Elise Wells. Serena and Tinsely will be joining this years Junior class, and Elise will be a Sophomore. Everyone, please be nice to them. Treat them as if they'd been here since their freshmen year. Treat them the way you'd want to be treated." A collective groan rose when hearing the very familiar phrase. "Off to class!" The headmistress said cheerily. The room was suddenly filled with noise and movement. Serena stayed where she was for two reasons. One, she usually liked waiting until all the movement was over with. Two, she had absolutely no idea where to go.

"Dorm rooms." A voice said, as if reading her mind. Serena jumped, and glanced up. "Go to your dorm room. You meet your roomie, get a general idea of what the next two years will be like for you. See, most of us have class. You, and your roomies, are lucky. You guys get to skip first period so you can bond." He said, putting finger quotes around the word bond. "When really, all you do is skip first period." Honestly, Serena was at a loss for words. The man standing in front of her was gorgeous! No, not just gorgeous, he was Godly. A God. Finally, she got her wits back.

"Well thank you. I'm Serena. And I'm a little lost." She flashed him a smile that usually made guys at a loss. He just smiled back, unfortunately having that effect on her.

"I would think so. What dorm are you in?"

"Hmm … Bear point."

"Oh, my girlfriend is in Bear Point! Maybe you guys will meet. Her name is Blair. Blair Waldorf." He said enthusiastically. _Girlfriend? _Serena sighed.

"Yeah, who knows. I hear anything can happen at Loomis." She tried to match his tone. It was a failed attempt. He smirked.

"Who knows."

*

315 … 317 … 319 … 321. Serena stopped in front of the door. This was the room she'd be living in for the next two years of her life. She tried to capture the moment, but as she did, the door swung open.

"Oh my God! Jesus! Why are you standing outside of my dorm? Who are you? You scared the living daylights out of me!" The brunette clutched her heart.

"Jeez I'm sorry. I'm Serena van der Woodsin. We're roomies!" Serena watched as the girls face slowly changed from confusion, to disgust.

"I'm sorry, but _what?_" The girl snapped.

"Umm … we're roomies?"

"Oh no. Oh no, no, no, _no! _ I'm supposed to be rooming with Tinsely Charmichael! _That _is my roomie! Not you." The brunette started pacing. "Are you sure it said 321?"

"Yeah, pretty sure." Serena was getting annoyed. The brunette groaned.

"This is just awful. I have to go speak to the headmistress about this one. Listen, just sit down. No, not on my bed! Here's a chair. Oh God how could this _happen!" _Serena listened to the girl complain all the way down the hall. Sighing, she plopped down into the chair. _What a disaster. _

"But ma'am, I specifically requested that Tinsely Charmichael room with me. I don't even know this Selena girl!" Her whining voice came back up the hallway.

"I'm sorry Mrs. Waldorf, but there's nothing I can do. Now go be a proper hostess and introduce yourself." _Waldorf? As in … Blair Waldorf? Oh no. Oh no, no, no, no. _Suddenly, both the headmistress and Blair were at the door.

"Mrs. van der Woodsin, I am so sorry for the little miscommunication. You will be rooming here. Don't worry about a thing. Mrs. Waldorf was just a little confused." Blair stood next to her, hands on her hips. "Now, please use this time to bond with your room mate." She said, and promptly exited the room.

"This is awful. Catastrophic! Just the worst thing to ever happen to me!" Blair said, the moment headmistress was out of ear shot.

"Listen Blair, I don't really-"

"How did you know my first name?" Blair interrupted, looking at Serena suspiciously. Serena faltered.

"I, uh, I met someone at the meeting. He said his friend Blair Waldorf lives in this dorm. I figured there wasn't more than one Waldorf in the same dorm …" Serena trailed off. When Blair didn't say anything, she continued. "Anyways, I don't really understand what the big deal is. I mean, I get that you and Tinsely are friends or whatever, but I'm really not that bad. Trust me." Blair glanced up at her.

"Oh really? You're not that bad? Well thanks for the reassurance." More silence followed. Then, "Hey, what was that kids name. The one who you talked to at the meeting?" Blair seemed genuinely interested.

"It was … now that you mention it, he didn't tell me. Well, he was your boyfriend. I hope thats enough description for you." She said flatly, still mad that this super-bitch got the hottest boy she'd ever seen. Blair's face lit up.

"Oh Natey! Oh yes, Nate is just wonderful. Of course he'd mention me. We're in love, you know. We actually are going to _have _a happily ever after." Serena watched as Blair's face got softer as she talked about Nate.

"Wow, that sounds amazing. I had a boyfriend back at home." Suddenly, her stomach clenched. _Had a boyfriend. I had a boyfriend. Had. _"I have to lay down." She said, quickly getting to a bed.

"What's wrong? Are you okay? Are you diabetic? Should I get the nurse? Should I get the headmistress?" Blair bombed her with questions.

"No no, I'm fine. Just … be quiet for a second." After five minutes of silence, Blair sighed.

"Tell me about your boyfriend." She said quietly.

"I can't."

"What? Why not?"

"I just can't. I can't talk about him."

"What do you mean you can't talk about him, that's absolute bullshit." Serena didn't respond this time. She let the tears drip down her face. "Serena? Why are you crying? Oh my God did your boyfriend die or something?" That was all it took for Serena to burst into tears. Not soft, girly tears, but the kind of tears that consume your body, making it hard for you to breath. "Oh my God I am such an idiot! The biggest idiot on campus! I'm sorry! Do you wanna talk about it?" Blair asked, suddenly by her side. Serena shook her head. If she couldn't talk to a trained therapist about what happened, she sure as Hell couldn't talk to Blair Waldorf about it. Her sobs subsided, and she rolled over to look at Blair.

"I'm sorry about all this. Imagine what you must think of me. You probably think I'm such a mess. Listen, I'll request to switch with Tinsely. It's not a big deal." Blair bit her lip.

"Listen, you don't have to if you don't want to. I guess I won't mind having you as a roomie. I mean, you're not that bad." Serena smiled weakly.

"Thanks a lot Blair. That really means a lot to me. I don't want to have to explain myself twice." Blair nodded.

"Sure. Sure. Here, second period is about to start. Unfortunately, we have to go. I have science. You?"

"Math."

"Okay, okay, cool. I'll see you back at the dorm at four-ish, okay?"

"Yeah. Great." Serena rolled off the bed and walked towards the bathroom to wash her face.

"Bye Serena."

"Bye Blair." She said, before dunking her head into the silent abyss of the cold water.

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**Love it? Hate it? Unsure? I don't care! Just review. (:**


	3. Wake Up, Serena

**Sorry this is kind of short. I'm kind of getting all my ideas together here. remember, review! (:**

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"Mrs. van der Woodsin!" Mr. Meltzer yelled, smashing his hand on her desk. Serena's head shot up, and she saw her teacher glaring down at her. "Please, at least _try _to stay awake. _Try _to pretend that you're interested in my class. For me? Please?" She looked down at her desk in attempt to look ashamed.

"I'm so sorry sir. It won't happen again." She mumbled. He nodded, seaming satisfied by this weak promise.

"Wonderful. Now, as I was saying, we're going to pair up and work on your measuring skills." Serena eyes around the classroom, trying to find someone who would be suited enough to partner up with her. As soon as the words were out of Mr. Meltzers mouth, everyone was suddenly with a partner. She gulped, and scanned the room. The only one she could see that didn't have a partner was Nate, Blair's boyfriend. She smiled at him, and waved him over. She tried not to stare as he walked over, but he was just so … perfect.

"Hey Serena. How are you liking Loomis so far?" Nate asked, keeping his eyes set on her.

"Oh I like it so much. It's so much fun, and everyone is so nice!" She gushed, mildly sugar coating the truth.

"Good. Have you met Blair?" He asked. She raised one eyebrow.

"Did she not tell you? I'm her room mate." Suddenly, Nate looked confused.

"_You're _her room mate? But … I thought Tinsely Carmichael was her room mate. That's what she told me anyways …" He looked genuinely confused.

"Oh, well nope. I'm her room mate." _Why would she not tell him? _

"That's odd. Well, that's great that you guys are rooming together. Blair _does_ take some getting used to, but I'm sure you'll be able to handle her." Nate said reassuringly. Serena sighed, and twirled her blonde hair around her finger. She was ready for a long year ahead of her.

*

"Serena! What on earth are you doing?" Blair yelled the moment she walked in the door. All the sympathy from her first day was gone, and now she was back to being the bitch queen of Loomis.

"It's called yoga Blair. It's kind of calming, actually." Serena said from the floor. "This is called the downward dog." Blair's face crumpled up in disgust.

"Looks like a sex position … _sounds _like a sex position … count me out." She said, walking over to her bed. "Me and Nate are going to a movie today. We're seeing _The Brawn and the Beautiful. _I'm so excited." Whenever Blair talked about Nate, this dreamy look came over her face. She was absolutely smitten.

"Oh yeah, speaking of Nate, why didn't you tell him we were rooming together? He still thought you were with that Tinsely girl." Serena asked, switching to the "tree" position.

"I don't know, I didn't find it all that important." Blair said, dismissing Serena with one look. "So what should I wear tonight? I want to look sexy, but not overdressed. I'm sure you understand."

"Of course. Just … put on jeans and a top." Honestly, Serena could care less.

"God Serena, I'm not going to a charity event." Blair said, rolling her eyes. "I'm going on a _date _with my_ boyfriend_. Use your head." The familiar tune of "The Reason" by Hoobastank filled the room. Blair dove for her purse. "This must be Nate hello?" She said all in one breath. Serena rolled her eyes, and untwisted herself from the pretzel like position she was in. "Mom? Oh, hey. What? _What? _Of course I can't come down tonight! Mom, what? No! Oh my … I have a date with Nate! Yes!" There was a long pause. "Fine. But you owe me big time. And I mean _big _time." Blair hung up the phone and sighed dramatically. "She needs me to come home, and help with some gala she's holding. Tonight. Ugh!" She flopped down on her bed.

"Where do you live?"

"Right here in New York." Blair's voice was muffled by the pillow her face was in.

"Ahh ..." There was nothing else to really say. Serena walked over to her bed, and sat down awkwardly. "I'm sure Nate will forgive you. You guys can just go out tomorrow night or something, right?" No answer. "Well, I have to go to dinner. Are you coming?" Blair shook her head. "Okay. See you tomorrow then." Serena said, and quietly walked out the door.

*

Serena took a seat at the dining hall next to Nate. "Hey Nate. How's it going?"

"Good, good. You?"

"Not bad." Serena tapped her fingers on the table. "That sucks about Blair. She was devastated that she couldn't go out with you."

"I know, I know. But I don't blame her. Her mom can be a little … you know." Nate said, moving his golden hair out of his eyes.

"Right. Totally." Serena said, even though she had absolutely no idea. "So … got any other plans for tonight?" She asked, then instantly regretted it. Was she asking him out? Oh God. Abort abort!

"Nope, wanna hang out?" He asked, casually. She blinked at him.

"Sure! Yeah, I'd love to." Again, total wrong thing to say. "Wanna go to your room and watch a movie?" Nate hesitated. "Or we can just hang out here or something that's totally cool." Nate laughed.

"No, no, it's not that. But if we go to my room, my room mate, Chuck Bass, probably is laying some girl up there. Not a pretty sight." Serena laughed. "Let's go to your room. It'll be quieter there." She nodded.

"Perfect. You can pick the movie, I'll get the snacks." Nate smiled.

"Sounds like a plan."

*

"Mall Cop? Really, Nate?" Serena looked doubtfully at the DVD in Nate's hand.

"Oh my God Serena this movie is freakin hilarious! I laughed so hard."

"Seriously? Huh, maybe I've been deprived." He nodded.

"Definitely. What snacks did you get?"

"I got popcorn, swedish fish, sour patch kids-"

"Sour patch kids? You are my _hero!" _Nate sang. Serena laughed.

"Excuse me but I was _talking! _Anyways, sour patch kids, and pringles. I love pringles." She said, and shook the tall tube they came in.

"Yeah yeah, just take me to the sour patch kids."

"Pop the movie in and I'll get everything all set up." She said.

"Yes ma'am!" Nate said, and saluted. Serena chuckled as he walked into the living area. She put each food item into a separate bowl, and tried to ignore the butterflies that were threatening to fly right out of her mouth.

*

"Pstt … Nate." Serena said in the middle of the movie, which actually was quite funny.

"Yeah?"

"Pass the sour patch kids."

"No, they're mine!" Nate snapped, sounding like a little kid. Serena bit her lip in the dark, trying not to smile. _Is it I bad thing that I have to periodically remind myself that Nate is Blair's boyfriend?_

"No way! I bought them, mister!" She said, then dove across the couch, trying to reach them. She was going for the element of surprise. It didn't really work out. He pulled his body over them, right before she got there.

"Whoa there van der Woodsin, not quick enough for me!" They both laughed. Suddenly, Serena realized where she was positioned. His face was not but five inches from hers, and she was directly on top of him. Their stomach's were almost touching. A silence rushed over the room, and Serena took a deep breath. Nate looked up, as if searching for something in her eyes. Bringing his hand up, he moved her hair out of her face.

"Serena ..." He said. She didn't respond. She just moved in closer. Suddenly, Nate had his hand on her back, and was pulling it closer. Serena watched as his lips came closer and closer. She closed her eyes, and prepared to let happen what happened. Slowly, she felt his lips reach hers. It started as a soft, sweet kiss, but soon enough turned into a ravishing kiss, one that neither Serena nor Nate could contain. A kiss turned into multiple kisses; on the mouth, on the neck, on the stomach, kisses everywhere.

"Nate!" Serena cried at one point, as he laid a hand on her breast. All she could see was Chad's face. "Oh my God." She said, jerking back from his touch.

"God, I'm so sorry. Listen, I'll just go. I'm so sorry. Please don't say anything to Blair." Nate was scrambling around the room, apologizing like a madman. Serena was to scared to do anything but nod. He paused at the door. "I really am sorry. I swear, it won't happen again." When she didn't respond, he just walked out the door and closed it behind him. Once he was gone, she brought her hand up to her heart, and squeezed her eyes closed.

Then, as if on queue, the tears came.

* * *

**Did I end it good? I felt it was not that great. But you know what comes next ... review? 3**


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